Throw Me a Bone
by InsanityInReverse
Summary: Roderich would very much like to see to it that Matthew, "Professional" Dog-Walker and his own nightmare personified, never came near his property again. It was too bad that Matthew soon found that Roderich's bark is far worse than his bite. [AusCan, crack]


**A/N **;; This story is going to be just as cracky as _Hardly a Love Story_ is, perhaps even more, with what I've got planned. Actually, no, it probably won't be. Anyway, since I began to write an AmeAus pairing story a few weeks ago, I figured it was time I gave AusCan a shot, because… um, why not? I honestly tried to come up with a serious plot for this story, but… as you can see, I failed. I resorted to crack. The last time I did this, it turned out alright… After all, _Hardly a Love Story _is one of the most popular stories on my account. How badly could this one turn out?

Um, pretty badly, actually, but hopefully that won't happen. This chapter was written in little under an hour and a half, so it can't be _that _horrible, right? I mean, I kind of tried. …right?

This story is going to be fun for do not take this as an example of my best writing - it is hardly that.

The alternate title to this story is _Who Let the Dogs Out? _by the way. Take that as you will.

Enjoy, maybe?

* * *

**Throw Me a Bone**

**…o…**

**Chapter One  
**_**The Dogs of War**_

**…o…**

* * *

_Tuesday  
05:20 Hours_

Roderich glanced down at his watch, tapping his foot impatiently. He pursed his lips into a thin line, eyes narrowing into slits as they watched each of the seconds tick by. It was 5:20 am. He would be arriving soon enough. It was almost time. Good, good… He only had another two minutes left before he needed to be in position.

Today was the day he would execute his plan. He had even gone so far as to specifically set his alarm early for this.

He paced back and forth in front of the window in anticipation.

* * *

_Tuesday  
05:21 Hours_

Roderich felt a devious smirk crawl across his face. His eye twitched.

They were coming.

He could _hear _them.

* * *

_Tuesday  
05:23 Hours_

Roderich carefully peered through the blinds, making sure his action was subtle enough not to warrant anybody seeing him, watching as the suspects approached. Elizabeta might have called him crazy, but he wasn't. This was no different than what she did, except in different circumstances. He would just take a word from her – he was only determined, not insane.

He shivered in revulsion as those lumbering creatures came into sight. Those beasts shouldn't be allowed to roam the streets.

And there, walking between the five monsters, was their leader. Roderich would not and could not be fooled by his friendly appearance and nonchalant attitude. He was not swayed by his bright eyes and quiet laughter. That man was the one to blame for all of his misfortunes – for all the literal shit he had to put up with – and Roderich was going to make sure he knew it.

He would finally be able to prove that it was that miscreant's fault for the destruction of his valuable property.

He _would _have his retribution.

* * *

_Wednesday  
Too Bloody Early_

Matthew yawned loudly, stumbling over the leashes and his own feet as he walked down the sidewalk after Max, Gracie, Buddy, Molly, and Kumajirou.

"Calm down, you guys," the Canadian mumbled tiredly, raising his free hand to cover his mouth as he yawned widely yet again. God, he should have given himself that extra half an hour of sleep. He was convinced that it would have done him a great load of good now.

His hand dropped back to his side, and Matthew rolled his eyes as Max panted heavily, trying unsuccessfully to race ahead of the rest of the group.

"Maybe if you didn't pull so hard," he said slowly, enunciating each word, as if the dog could understand what exactly he was saying, "you wouldn't choke. It's your own fault."

Kumajirou – the only one of the five dogs that Matthew actually owned – an overgrown, overweight maremma sheepdog, ambled along slightly behind Matthew. He was heavy enough to prevent the group from moving much faster than his own pace, which was usually some variation between slow and agonizingly slow. Matthew couldn't really say he minded, however. He hated having to run after these dogs, nor increase the easy pace he held. It was too damn early in the morning to do either of those things.

The combination of Kumajirou, Gracie, who felt the need to stop and sniff each and every object left lying around on the streets, and Buddy, who felt the need to stop and piss on almost each and every individual surface, made it nearly impossible to get anywhere on their walks.

And, as if just to prove his point, the group came to a halt as Buddy squatted down to use the bathroom yet again.

"Good boy, Buddy," Matthew cooed, his voice weighed down in his exhaustion, but still peppy enough. He bent down to untangle all the leashes from each other.

Then, from out of nowhere, a shrill voice called. "Excuse me!"

"Shit!" Matthew yelped, falling backwards onto the cold sidewalk. He looked around in bewilderment, searching for the source of the sour voice.

It took him a moment to notice the pale man standing on the steps in front of the house Matthew and the dogs had stopped at. The Canadian stood up slowly, rubbing his lower back carefully. He squinted inquisitively out of one eye at the rather scrawny-looking, dishevelled man. "Sorry about that," he called out, a tentative, awkward smile crawling across his face. "You scared me. I didn't realize anyone was there."

"Obviously not," the man replied scathingly, his own violet eyes – what a strange colour – narrowing. He moved a clump of brunet hair out of his eyes irritably.

Matthew winced, taken aback by the blatantly angry tone. Had he somehow done something he hadn't been aware of to offend this man in the past? He couldn't remember ever meeting him before. Surely, he would have remembered those eyes. "Well…" Matthew began awkwardly. "I'm sorry again." He turned his back on the man, preparing himself to leave.

"Obviously not!" the man yelled out louder, halting Matthew's movements in his tracks. He slowly turned his head to look over his shoulder, where the man seemed to be bristling on the spot. Matthew's eyebrows crawled up to his hairline. What was with this guy? "I highly doubt you would be letting your dog defecate wherever it pleased if you had."

Matthew grimaced. He knew that, technically, it was his responsibility to pick up after the dogs he walked, but having to do that day after day after day had gotten old very quickly. He had given up on picking up those messes less than a month after starting his job. He had never gotten a complaint from anyone before. "I'm really sorry," Matthew said sincerely. "I promise it won't happen again."

"Well… then…" The man looked nothing short of incredulous, as if he hadn't expected the entire confrontation to end so easily. It seemed that all the traces of anger had drained out of his body.

"Well?" Matthew prompted curiously.

"Then… that's good, then," the man finished cautiously.

The Canadian offered an appeasing smile. "Yep, it's all good," he said easily, flashing a thumbs-up. "I'll just be going now…?" he trailed off into a question, waiting to see if the man was perhaps going to add anything else, but he instead only received a slammed door in reply.

Matthew kept his eyes on the door for half a second before he shook his head slowly, escaping as swiftly as Kumajirou's chubby legs would allow him to.

"What a freak, eh, Kuma?" he asked, letting out a little sigh.

* * *

_Wednesday  
05:31 Hours_

Roderich watched the man lead the loathsome creatures away, talking amicably to them as he went.

"What a freak," Roderich muttered, leaning against his slammed door.

* * *

_Thursday  
05:22 Hours_

Roderich peered out the window the very next day, waiting for the literal personification of his nightmares to arrive with the demons trailing ahead of him.

The shabby, unkempt, dog-loving freak finally appeared, two minutes behind schedule. The bright-eyed man glanced up at Roderich's window, seemingly considering something before he pulled the dogs out onto the street.

Roderich jumped back, dropping the blind, feeling a blush warm his skin as his heart beat erratically in his chest. Had the freak caught him watching?

No, that was impossible. He would have given more of a reaction.

He was just being paranoid.

Roderich leaned forward once again, pulling the blind down slightly to peek out once more. The group of drooling mongrels and their leader had passed.

* * *

_Fifteen Days Later, Friday  
07:25 Hours_

"Gah!" Roderich yelped, dropping the morning newspaper to the ground in horror.

Shit.

There was fresh dog shit on his lawn.

* * *

_Monday  
When Sane People are Sleeping_

"You!" a familiar voice shouted angrily.

Matthew flinched on instinct. It took him only a moment to locate the voice, his eyes leading him up to the house across from him. He blinked as he saw a familiar man standing on his steps, hands set on his hips, glaring at him. Oh, so it was that guy.

"Me?" Matthew called back hesitantly, hoping that perhaps there was another person nearby who just happened to be awake at such an awfully early hour. However, much to his disappointment, he knew there wasn't. It was just his luck that he had to have another conversation with this guy, who was awake way too fucking early on a Monday morning.

"You've been letting your stupid canines leave their excrement all over my yard again," the man said matter-of-factly, sending Matthew a look that dared him to question his claim.

Matthew, of course, didn't challenge him. Instead, he only said, "Um, sorry." He felt that it was a bit more difficult to feel bad for the man when he was so hostile and rude. He couldn't have approached this politely from the beginning?

"I don't need empty apologies," the man snapped. "I need you to stay off my lawn."

Matthew let out a sigh. "Alright, I'll try."

"Try?" the man repeated, and the Canadian watched as the man's fists clenched angrily. Whoa, talk about high strung.

"Yes," Matthew nodded. That was all he could do.

"What do you mean, _try_?"

Matthew shrugged, making a vague waving motion with his free hand. Molly was beginning to yank on her leash, and Matthew gave her a warning tug in response. He quickly turned his attention back to the man standing on the step, saying, "You know… try. I'll make my best attempt. It's hard to control these guys sometimes, you know."

The man on the step scowled. "If they are so _uncontrollable_, then perhaps Animal _Control_ should have put them down," he hissed.

Matthew's eyes widened. "Hey!" he yelled, offended, but the other man had already retreated inside his home, slamming the door shut behind him.


End file.
